#2: Catwoman (2004)
What did we do to deserve this film? I’m serious. We female superhero fans, who have been told by the boys over and over that we aren’t “real” superhero fans, that this stuff is for boys? We Batman fans, who sat through Tim Burton’s fanfiction and the studio pulling Joel Schumacher’s strings (and ruining his reputation in the process) as they sought only to sell more action figures? Had we not suffered enough?
You know in real life how sometimes when a tragedy happens, it defies previous experience to such a degree that the only possible reaction to it is, “Why?” That’s basically how I (along with many others) felt after Catwoman. We went into this film thinking we were going to see a cool Batman spinoff starring Halle Berry, one of Hollywood’s biggest stars. What we got instead was one of the worst pieces of trash ever put in front of wide audiences.
So, what’s this film about? Selina Kyle, right? That’ll be brilliant! She’s always been a character who lent herself to solo projects, in the comics and Batman The Animated Series and–what? Oh, it’s about someone named Patience Philips? Really, her name is Patience? And she works for a… cosmetics company?
… the cosmetic company is the main antagonist of the film? She’s killed to protect a trade secret?
Okay, okay. That’s fine. Something new, something fresh. It has a few holes in it, but I can totally see how it could work, and as long as the core of the story remains intact and Catwoman is a skilled thief-turned-vigilante–
Oh. She’s brought back to life by the Egyptian goddess Bast?
Fuck this.
You’ll have to forgive the not-entirely-critical reaction here, but this film is an example of the most cynical kinds of exploitation. Let’s just take a beloved character, have a famous actor play them, and put absolutely no effort whatsoever into making the story interesting or remotely good. Tell you what, though: let’s be sure to sexualize absolutely everything about her. She doesn’t need a personality! She’s wearing almost nothing! And we’ll have her fight another chick at the end of the film. Gold!
This is one of those rare instances when I really just don’t have much to say. This film is obviously bad for obvious reasons. There’s no mystery here. There’s nothing to explain. Just a whole lot of bad.
