Posted in May 2012

Bill Simmons explains the unexplainable

Perhaps it is fitting considering the popular opinion (which Simmons and I both disagree with loudly) that the Spurs are a “boring” team that wins a lot of games: this is not one of Bill Simmons’ greatest playoff game diaries, but it has some excellent moments and manages to articulate some things about this San Antonio Spurs team that are otherwise difficult to articulate. My favorite example from that article:

Here’s the thing: When you can get quality shots pretty much whenever you want, nothing else really matters. The Spurs, as presently constructed and in their present state of health, are unbeatable. In 10 playoff games, they’re averaging 104.1 points, making 49.4 percent of their shots, hitting 41 percent of their 3s and getting assists on 65 percent of their made baskets. They can survive a lousy offensive game from Parker (happened in Game 1), Ginobili or Duncan (happened in Game 2) without being affected in any way, as long as two of them aren’t struggling at once. They can play smallball; they can handle bigger teams; they can play fast or slow. They can handle absolutely anything.

They’ve won their 10 playoff games by an average of 12.5 points, a potentially historic pace; of the best teams ever, only the 1971 Bucks (+14.5) and 2011 Lakers (+12.8) topped that number, with famous juggernauts like the ’86 Celts (+10.6), ’96 Bulls (+10.6), ’87 Lakers (+11.4), ’83 Sixers (+5.9), ’91 Bulls (+11.7) and ’72 Lakers (+3.3) falling short of that mark. They’ve also won an astonishing 20 straight games dating back to the regular season; only three other teams have EVER won more than that (all regular-season streaks, too), and if they sweep Oklahoma City, that 22-game streak will tie the ’08 Rockets for the second-longest streak ever (even if the NBA won’t officially recognize it). Oh, and they’re only six wins away from being the first NBA team to sweep the NBA playoffs. Let’s be honest: This is insane.

He also tackles the idea that the Spurs are “boring”:

I gotta be honest … I don’t understand how anyone could say the Spurs are boring when they have two guards who (a) play beautifully together, (b) get better when it matters, and (c) consistently make some of the most incredibly unique baskets in the league. Three times per Spurs game, either Manu or Parker invents a shot or a drive that makes you say, “Wait, have I ever seen that before?” That’s boring?

(Just for fun, after you read his game diary, if you want to compare it to my live-tweeting of the  game, you might see that we noticed a few similar things, though he obviously expands on them quite a bit more.)

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Extremism: It Exists

You know what I’m getting really tired of? This idea that it’s automatically offensive to acknowledge that extremism exists.

If I call someone a mindless zealot, that doesn’t mean I think everyone who is religious is a mindless zealot. It means I think that particular person is, and I probably think so based on reasonably good evidence.

Here’s where the logic starts to confuse me. If I call someone like that a mindless zealot, almost immediately someone else who is religious becomes offended because they aren’t a zealot.

… I’m sorry, what?

So, let me try this again. I say Person A is X, Person B becomes offended because they aren’t X. This makes what kind of sense?

Calling someone what they are isn’t an insult to anyone else. I don’t understand the logic of people who want to take what I say about extremists, apply it to themselves for no apparent reason, and then get bent out of shape about it.

Of course, this is coming from someone who doesn’t have to go very far out of her way to find people actually saying offensive things about her identity, so maybe it’s just a difference in experience.

Sega’s E3 Lineup

Sega’s E3 lineup does not look equipped to get them out of financial ruin, or even slow it down very much. To wit:

Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed
Aliens: Colonial Marines
Super Monkey Ball Banana Splitz
The Cave
Hell Yeah! Wrath of the Dead Rabbit
Virtua Fighter 5 Final Showdown
Jet Set Radio

I’m sorry, which one of these games is supposed to sell enough units to keep Sega out of bankruptcy?  The only Sonic title is their Mario Kart knockoff that’ll never sell anywhere close to as much? The Aliens/Predators franchise definitely has its fans, but I really hope we’re not counting on that to save the entire company. The only one that might make any difference is Virtua Fighter 5 Final Showdown. And I really, really hope it does. But from where I’m sitting, there just isn’t exactly a sizzling title on that list that’s going to go flying off the shelf.

Seeing Sega knocked out of the hardware business was bad enough. I really don’t think I could handle seeing them go out of business. I am not ready for this part of my childhood to die.

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You Sunk My Expectations-ship!

My experience with Battleship began long before I found myself sitting in the theater waiting for the film to start. It began when I saw a trailer for it and said, “… wait. They’re making a movie out of… Battleship? Battleship the board game?” It continued with retweeting jokes about the video game adaptation of the film (“Hey, look, it’s Battleship: the board game: the movie: the first-person shooter. That makes perfect sense.”)

Throughout most of my “experience” with the film I hadn’t seen, I also operated under the impression that Michael Bay was either producing or directing the film. Why? Because everyone (everyone) said he was! I have absolutely no idea how that popular misconception started, but I didn’t even bother looking it up because it sounded true. I mean, just look at what we knew about the movie. It was an action film with similar aesthetics, attractive people… and it was about a board game. That doesn’t sound like the Michael Bay we all know and loathe?

So, anyway. There I was, sitting in the theater, watching a film I (along with the rest of America) had already made up my mind was going to be a trainwreck, but possibly a fun trainwreck. The thing is… the film wasn’t directed or produced by Michael Bay. It was directed and produced by Peter Berg. If that name sounds familiar, congratulations: you’ve seen Friday Night Lights, one of the most critically acclaimed sports films of all time.

Not knowing this at the time, I was still fully prepared for this movie to be everything that I had been told it would be. I had been told this by internet buzz, by my own prejudices, by critics… it seemed like a perfect storm. It wasn’t until the ending credits were rolling that I found myself sitting there thinking about what I had just experienced. “Well,” I thought, “that was a pretty proficient action film with a great soundtrack, good acting, and… and… wait. Was that good?”

Is this a masterpiece with a complicated plot and intense character development? Of course not! It’s an action movie based on Battleship! The board game! But as I already mentioned, it’s a really, really good action film based on a board game. How good? Well, remember for me if you will a time when Transformers was actually a pretty great film that didn’t have any inexplicably bad sequels. Now imagine someone smarter than Michael Bay doing that. That should give you a pretty good idea.

You can safely turn your brain off before watching this film, sure. But that seems to be the only criticism everyone is consistently latching on to. I repeat: this is an action film. Why do we always need things to be something they aren’t? Films should be judged by how well they accomplish their objectives. And as this is an action film, I don’t go into it expecting to do a lot of thinking. Copy?

This film had all the necessary strengths to make it the joyride it was. Acting? How about Liam Neeson as the intimidating admiral in charge of the fleet? How about Rihanna (yes: Rihanna) as a shocking revelation as a female badass in the mold of Michele Rodriguez? In fact, why isn’t a Michele Rodriguez/Rihanna buddy cop movie (or “versus” movie, or…) in preproduction right now? Someone get on this! We need more action films with female leads!

But I digress. The special effects and overall cinematography made this an incredibly visually appealing film. The soundtrack by Steve Jablonsky was superb, but you already knew that if you’ve seen Transformers. Both of these elements (and the acting, remember the acting?) conspired to enhance the film’s dramatic beats. Again, the script wasn’t Shakespeare, but it was beyond proficient. It was clearly written by someone who knows how to write an engaging and fun action film.

Most essential to this film’s success was that its action scenes were actually fun to watch. Transformers 3 is one of the most egregious recent examples of this trend of action films getting extremely heavy and… well… boring. It’s pretty remarkable how often filmmakers don’t seem to realize that no matter how much money you pour into special effects, the fights in action films still need to be fun. I don’t care if you show the entire city of Chicago being destroyed building by building with frightening realism. If the battle seems three hours long, and the tone completely sucks the life out of the audience, no one is going to enjoy it.

In the end, what you have with this film is a well-made action film with perhaps a bit too much of a hard-on for the military, few (if any) cringe-worthy moments, and whose filmmaking elements enhance the experience as a whole. I feel really bad for people who made their minds up in advance (like I did) and either didn’t see the film or were too locked into their original opinions to enjoy it like I did.

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Second Time’s the Charm

I would love to be writing a review of Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode II right now, but Sega decided they didn’t want my money and didn’t release it on the Nintendo Wii. I’ve heard a great deal of speculation as to Sega’s motives for this. Many of them sound plausible (lower sales, Nintendo being harder to work with for digital downloads), but I’m sorry: you don’t release one episode of an unfinished game on a system and then not release the next episode on that same system. “Here! Have half a game!”? You’re basically giving fans a giant middle finger.

Since I can’t play the game, I decided to watch someone else’s playthrough on YouTube. So, with the obvious disclaimer that I haven’t actually played the game, here are my thoughts.

My biggest problem with Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode I was that it didn’t feel like a separate game at all. It was basically a slightly less interesting Sonic the Hedgehog 2 without Tails. There were some other problems (the physics engine was pretty shoddy, for instance), but it basically boiled down to, “I’ve already played this game, and it was better last time.”

Episode II made it clear almost immediately that my objections had been heard. The game opens with the kind of minimalistic cutscene Genesis fans will be familiar with from Sonic 3 & Knuckles. Sonic and Tails are flying on the Tornado when they notice what looks like a ruined castle. Being the adventurous sort they are, the heroes decide to investigate.

Now this is what I’m talking about. Although the level concept might be reminiscent of previous games, it isn’t a Copy/Paste like Episode I‘s zones clearly were. The real masterstroke was the boss fight, Egg Serpentleaf. This boss begins with two pillars rising which are identical to the pillars seen in the Sonic the Hedgehog 2 boss fight Hammer Eggman. Before I could even get out an exasperated complaint, the pillars were suddenly smashed away by a pair of huge tentacles, and it was revealed that the real boss fight was a giant flower with tentacles controlled by the Egg Mobile mounted on it. In other words, nothing like Hammer Eggman. This almost felt like a “yeah, we heard you” teasing wink from the game designers. In addition to being quite unlike anything we’ve seen in any of the previous 2D Sonic Games, this boss required the use of the new Sonic/Tails partner system, a mechanic entirely unique to this game.

Speaking of that partner system, although I obviously didn’t actually get to use it, it looks much better than what we’re used to from 2D Sonic games. It appears that you have the ability to initiate several moves (the most common being Tails grabbing you out of midair and flying you somewhere) and then control them. For anyone who remembers plugging in a second controller to get to hard to reach places in Sonic 2 and Sonic 3 & Knuckles, please join me in saying thank you to the designers of Sonic 4: Episode II. Furthermore, it becomes apparent later in the game that the Sonic/Tails partner moves actually have the extremely useful ability to bring Sonic out of his Super Form, meaning you can finally switch back and forth between Sonic and Super Sonic at will. (The only way to do it in previous games was by entering a Bonus Stage.)

More than the dramatically improved gameplay aspect of Sonic and Tails as partners, what I love about this game is the emphasis on Sonic and Tails as partners, something that’s been missing from Sonic games for almost 20 years. Sega seems to think that because they have come up with so many new, interesting characters that they need to cram every single one of them into every Sonic game, and that makes it almost impossible for Tails’ role to not be diminished. Here, in addition to the fact that the whole game is Sonic and Tails having an adventure together, it’s the little things, like the fact that the gauge that shows how many lives you have is a Sonic & Tails logo, not just a Sonic logo.

The level concepts of the next two zones are also relatively original, though not nearly as smooth. I have to admit, I honestly have no idea what’s going on with White Park Zone. Act 1 is a snow level with a theme park in the background, Act 2 is that theme park, and Act 3 is a frozen underwater level. What exactly is going on here? On a positive note, Tails’ already-awesome swimming from the Genesis games actually seems genuinely useful in this game, as he carries Sonic with him and can even go from swimming to flying if you break the surface of the water. It’s great stuff. And the boss of this stage is none other than a revived Metal Sonic!

The next zone, Oil Desert Zone, immediately made me think, “Oh Lord, if I see one badnik in a burqa, I’m turning this video off.” Luckily, there wasn’t anything nearly so tasteless, and now Sonic fans have another inside joke I guess.

Sky Fortress Zone is probably the least original zone in the game, but it does certainly have distinguishing features. Act 1 is indeed quite reminiscent of Sky Chase Zone from Sonic 2, but with the added element of being attacked by Metal Sonic piloting the Metal Carrier. Acts II and III are reminiscent of Wing Fortress Zone from Sonic 2 and Flying Battery Zone from Sonic & Knuckles, but that’s perfectly acceptable as having a flying fortress seems like a sensible trope for Robotnik.

And the boss makes up for any lack of originality in Acts 2 & 3. The boss is Metal Sonic’s Metal Carrier. To my knowledge, this is the only time in a 2D Sonic game that Sonic fights a boss from Tails’ Tornado plane. It’s really actually kind of surprising this hasn’t happened before, and fits the theme of this game actually introducing new gameplay elements to the series while staying mostly within the Genesis style.

After the Metal Carrier is destroyed, we get another Genesis-style cutscene of Sonic pursuing Metal Sonic and Robotnik on the heavily-damaged Sky Fortress. Sonic chases Robotnik all the way to an escape pod, where Metal Sonic steps in to hold him off while Robotnik takes off, and then takes off himself, leaving Sonic and Tails to find escape pods of their own to pursue.

The final level of the game, predictably enough, is Death Egg mk. II Zone. This zone features two acts, both of which are boss fights. The first is a duel with Metal Sonic in which you fight him twice with a stretch of normal gameplay in between. The first fight features Metal and Eggman, while the second is a straight up fight with Metal Sonic himself. After you defeat Metal Sonic for the final time of the game, the stage is set for the final boss.

This is where the game easily could’ve gone wrong. Episode I made the mistake of just giving us a carbon copy of Sonic 2‘s final boss. An original boss might not have a grand enough scale to fit the paradigm of Genesis game final bosses. Don’t worry: they didn’t screw up. The Egg Heart is both original and convincing as the final boss of a Sonic game. Robotnik’s machine is surrounded by three rings, which you must again use the partner system to fly between. Some of the rings will become electrified, and after a few hits Robotnik will start using a forcefield to protect himself that you must use the Rolling Combo move with Tails to break. The Egg Heart also uses gravity-based attacks. This combination of obstacles and attacks makes this look like a challenging final boss worthy of a Sonic game.

The final cutscene is nothing special, just Sonic and Tails abandoning the dead Death Egg in escape pods, but that’s what you’d expect from a Genesis-style Sonic game, so no complaints there. The credis roll… and then, if you own both parts of Sonic 4 on your game system, you’re not done.

Reminscent of the “lock on” features of Sonic & Knuckles, if the game detects Sonic 4: Episode I, you move on to Episode Metal. Episode Metal begins with a flashback to Metal Sonic’s defeat in Sonic CD, and then shows Eggman showing up and reviving him. The badly damaged Metal Sonic limps to Metal Gear (a stage from Sonic 4: Episode I). We learn that Metal Gear was built for the purpose of reviving Metal Sonic! Ingeniously, Metal Sonic then plays through the zones of Episode I backwards. Although I question why Robotnik’s badniks would attack his ally, this ties Episode I and Episode II together nicely, and forces me to concede that Episode I may not have been entirely useless (though my earlier complaints still stand.)

After playing through the site of his revival, Metal Sonic moves on to Lost Labyrinth Zone, and we discover that the purpose of this zone was Metal Sonic discovering a mysterious orb that grants him new powers (powers which we see in the main story of Episode II). Casino Street Zone seems to more or less be thrown in for the sake of completeness, and finally Metal Sonic plays through Splash Hill Zone, arriving just too late to catch Sonic as we see him and Tails taking off in the Tornado.

So there we have it. Although it would be nice to actually play the game, it certainly looks like all of my complaints about Episode I were answered, and then some. Plus, the game features excellent graphics and sound, and for the most part a superb soundtrack. There are a few exceptions to the “superb soundtrack” part, though (I’m looking at you, Oil Desert Zone Act 2.) I still don’t understand why Episode I had to exist, and they couldn’t have just made a slightly longer version of Episode II, but I’m glad to see Sega finally got their heads out of their asses.

Except for releasing this game on every system they released Episode I on, anyway.

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Possible 2012 NBA Finals Matchups

On one of my old blogs, I had a tradition of breaking down the four possible Super Bowl matchups prior to the Conference Championship games. At a reader’s suggestion, I started doing the same for other sports. With the Conference Finals underway in the NBA, it’s time for the inaugural edition of this tradition on this blog!

1) Spurs vs. Celtics
Where Doing It Right Happens
It usually means something when the vast majority of casual fans want one series (hint: not this one), and People Who Know Things want a different one (hint: it’s this one.) Would a Thunder/Heat Finals put three of the best five players on the planet on the floor together? Yep. Would it be a ratings orgy? Definitely. Would it be the best basketball series available?

Nope. Not even close.

The Spurs are a very special basketball team. If you’re confused as to why I think that, Bill Simmons actually does a superb job of explaining it in the last section of this article. A Spurs/Celtics Finals would match up two teams that do things “the right way,” with an emphasis on the team, not on individual talent. Remember: the Celtics were a “Big 3″ super team before the Heat. But they acquired their super team through a pair of shrewd trades, without a self-created media circus. Their identity as a team? Ubuntu, the philosophy Doc Rivers has stressed since day one.

Sometimes there are complicated storylines leading up to the NBA Finals. Sometimes they’re simple. This one is in the latter category: these are just the two teams that deserve to be here.

2) Spurs vs. Heat
Where Obvious Contrasts Happen
I like to imagine a stunned silence has fallen over the audience at this point, much like when a pitcher has a no-hitter going and no one wants to say anything about it outloud. But you’re all thinking it. “She isn’t going to have it last, is she?” Without specifically mentioning what “it” is (preserving the no-hitter metaphor), I will spoil the ending and say no, I won’t. But unlike everyone else in America (aside from veteran basketball journalists and well-educated fans), I find either possibility involving the San Antonio Spurs much, much, much more interesting than any combination involving the Oklahoma City Thunder. Sorry.

Whereas San Antonio/Boston would be a matchup of the two teams that deserve to be there, San Antonio/Miami would be interesting because it would be a stark contrast between a team that deserves to be there and a team that doesn’t. On the one hand, you have a dynasty that built itself from the ground up and features excellent team defense, nearly flawless fundamentals, and without possibility of argument the best coach in the NBA. (There are maybe three coaches in the entire NBA who aren’t mostly interchangeable with any other halfway decent coach in the league. Gregg Popovich is one of them.) On the other hand, you have a team that walks around like it’s a dynasty even though it’s accomplished absolutely nothing and which assembled itself amid self-generated drama that belongs on reality television more than it belongs in sports. And you’d have an essential ingredient to a great NBA Finals: a natural hero and a natural villain.

Oh, yeah, and there’s the minor detail that these are definitely the two best teams left in the playoffs. So call me crazy, but this interests me more than the matchup everyone else wants to see. Speaking of which…

3) Thunder vs. Heat
Where Ratings Orgy Happens
“LeBron James! Kevin Durant! It’s the NBA Finals on ABC!” Yeah, okay, that’s really not remotely hard to promote, is it? It just doesn’t feel that interesting to me, for all the reasons I’ve already explained in the previous two entries.

4) Thunder vs. Celtics
Where Kendrick Perkins Happens
The obligatory “everyone else around me thinks this would be way more interesting than I do” series. (Admittedly, the previous series almost falls into this cateogry, too.) In this particular case, the disparity is because I live within Boston’s sphere of influence, everyone I know cares about Kendrick Perkins way more than I do. Due to the dearth of other storylines, be prepared to find out how many times per game the announcers can find an excuse to mention Perkins/Robinson-for-Green/Krstic/pick.

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Sonic and the Unrealized Potential

After my favorable experience with Sonic Unleashed, one of the most consistent targets of universal scorn directed against the Sonic the Hedgehog games and fandom, I decided it was time to tackle the other game most clearly in this category: Sonic and the Black Knight.

The most common reasons for writing off these two games are essentially the same basic incredulity (“Sonic turns into a werewolf?” “Sonic is a knight? With a sword?”) I must admit, the incredible backlash both of these games generated kept me away for quite some time. As a fan of the franchise, I found myself flinching away and declaring, “I can’t look.” My unexpected experience with Sonic Unleashed broke the ice, and my unbridled nerdiness eventually won the day. The idea of combining Sonic with something like Arthurian legend was just impossible to resist. I really wish Sega had made more of these “storybook” games (the other is Sonic and the Secret Rings, which I haven’t yet played) using other mythologies (Greek/Roman, Celtic, Native American, Chinese, Japanese… it’s not like we’re low on options!)

Fresh off of the unexpected brilliance of Unleashed, my expectations for this game were admittedly a bit high. What I found was a shockingly conflicted game that can’t really seem to decide whether it wants to be brilliant or awful.

Story
I was fully prepared to write a scathing review based largely on this aspect of the game. It lasted about half an hour, seemed promising, then ended abruptly with absolutely no resolution. You killed the final boss, and with absolutely no resolution for either Sonic or Camelot, the credits rolled.

Then after the credits a pop-up notification informed me that a new mission had been unlocked. “That’s odd,” I thought to myself, and selected it. And then a cutscene began playing with a shocking plot twist. “Oh, you magnificent bastards.”

That being said, aside from the post-credits plot twist, the plot isn’t exactly anything special. The good news is you can’t really accuse them of overthinking it. The minimalist approach isn’t the worst tack they could’ve taken, but I would’ve liked to have seen the world developed a bit better. My biggest complaint is that even the second time around, there really isn’t much of an ending. The overall concept, and post-credits plot twist, are really the primary saving graces for this game’s story. 3/5.

Audio/Visual
This is definitely a strength. The music, especially in the later levels, is fantastic. The sound effects are great. The levels look gorgeous. No complaints here whatsoever. The art department did a fantastic job of merging the Sonic style with a medieval/Arthurian aesthetic. 4/5.

Gameplay
Alright, this is where things get tricky. (Not what you want to hear going into this category.)

Sonic and the Black Knight features Sonic gameplay at its best and Sonic gameplay at its worst. Veteran fans of the series already know what I’m talking about. At its best, Sonic games are quite possibly the most purely fun games on the market. This game definitely has more than flashes of that. Sonic games at their worst have frustrating, counterintuitive controls and poor level design that will just kill you randomly for no reason. Unfortunately, this game has this as well.

One example: do you know how this game determines whether a double jump is meant to shoot you forward or stomp you downward? Arbitrarily. Do you know how well that works in a section of the game where the ground is crumbling beneath you? About as poorly as you think it does. Games should be difficult, but your success or failure should be based on what you, the player, do. Not random dumb luck. And that’s where Sonic and the Black Knight occasionally fails.

Now, the danger here is ignoring broad segments of excellent gameplay because of what is essentially two or three extremely frustrating levels. I don’t really know how to rate this aspect of the game. If I give it a poor rating, I’m ignoring the fact that most of the game is actually excellent. If I give it a high rating, I’m ignoring the fact that what’s wrong with this game is very, very wrong. If I give it a mediocre rating, I’m giving the impression of, “Eh, it’s okay,” which doesn’t actually describe the experience at all. I want to give some portions of the game a 1/5 for this aspect, and most of the game a 4/5 or 5/5.

Realistically? The things this game does wrong are unforgivable. It doesn’t stop most of it from being a fun gameplay experience, but that experience shouldn’t grind to a halt in a few places. 2/5.

Overall
I think my overall experience with Sonic and the Black Knight is best epitomized by the eleventh level of the game, “The Cauldron.” This lava level features beautiful scenery, good music, and some of the most frustrating gameplay of the game. The first half of the level also seems to have only one, laughably unhelpful respawn point. I was getting so frustrated with this level that I was once again ready to write this game off.

And then, after finally passing this rough patch, I discovered that in the next section, Sonic jumps on a rock, and rides on a river of lava.

Every time I thought I knew what to think of this game, it absolutely defied my expectations. Early on, the levels were way too short, most of them were too easy (except for one bizarrely finicky tutorial level), and the game overall just felt like a lightweight. The pace gradually picked up, punctuated with some pretty decent boss battles, and I started to think this was a great game that just started slow. That continued all the way up to the second battle with King Arthur, which was one of the most difficult and frustrating boss battles I’ve ever played (not necessarily a bad thing.) At that point, I had a mostly positive view of the game until it ended abruptly. Which, as I already covered, was just the game trolling me, which was awesome. Then I was buzzing through the post-credits levels thinking, “Alright, this game is just uncomplicatedly fun.” Then the last two levels before the final boss were unbelievably frustrating, and not because they were intentionally difficult, but because they were poorly designed. And then the (real) final boss was one of the best bosses from any Sonic game… but there still wasn’t much of an ending.

So if you’re still wondering what I thought of this game, it’s probably because I am, too. Except for the slow start, Part I (pre-first credits) is pretty excellent. Part II starts out even better, but the last two levels are shockingly bad. And then the final boss is great. And then the ending explains absolutely nothing.

Really, the vast majority of this game is pretty great, but it’s really pretty difficult to not feel it spoiled by the frustrating missteps. This game doesn’t deserve to be written off (at least, not for the reasons that are commonly cited), but neither does it realize its vast potential. It’s a familiar refrain for Sonic fans, defending the games from being written off for trivial reasons, while simultaneously being frustrated with the games for not being as good as they could be. Sonic wielding a sword is not unforgivably silly, as many people who haven’t played the game claim. Unfortunately, occasionally broken gameplay and a lack of resolution mar what would otherwise be a worthy exercise in imagination and fun. 2/5.

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Gun Control: How It Works

Lawmakers: “Hey, we noticed this really unfortunate trend where people are being shot and killed with illegally acquired guns. The thing is, the way these guns are being illegally acquired is that they’re being sold legally to someone who then resells them illegally. When the police try to crack down on this, the illegal reseller just claims those guns were ‘stolen.’ This is actually a really simple fix, we just have to make it mandatory for stolen guns to be reported in a prompt manner.”

The National Rifle Association: “WHAT??? TYRANNY!!! YOU ARE TRAMPLING ON OUR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS!!! THIS IS SIMPLY UNAMERICAN!!! YOU FASCISTS!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE TOOK HIS CITIZENS’ GUNS AWAY??? HITLER!!!”

Lawmakers: “But… we’re not talking about taking anyone‘s guns away, we’re talking about making it harder for criminals to–”

The N.R.A.: “HITLER!!!”

Lawmakers: “People are dying…”

The N.R.A.: “HITLER!!! 9/11!!! HITLER!!!”

Lawmakers: “Okay… fine… forget we said anything…”

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Big Bang (Queer) Theory: I’ll still pass.

You can tell a lot more celebrities are out now, because I no longer feel that dumb compulsion to automatically respect their work because of their identity. The Big Bang Theory is lowest common denominator trash that relies on stereotypes for cheap laughs, and I won’t suddenly like it just because its star came out as gay. If you want a less sexist version of the same concept, the British show The IT Crowd is much more self-conscious about the sexist overtones of its subject matter and portrays women as normal people who don’t look like supermodels, and male geeks as normal people who didn’t just barely escape being locked permanently in the dungeon of their parents’ basement.

I think the difference between The Big Bang Theory and IT Crowd is really the difference between British comedy and American comedy: subtlety. Moss and Roy don’t know more about computers than Jen because she’s a woman: they know more about computers than her because they’re the only people on the show who know anything about computers. The show is basically about the frustration of an IT department in a professional setting. Furthermore, Jen is depicted as a fairly down-to-earth, intelligent person. She is perhaps nearly as quirky as her male subordinates, but she’s hardly brainless. If you want an unintelligent character in the show, you’re going to have to look at the company’s (male) bosses.

The Big Bang Theory is a show that, in order to show the “great divide” between geeks and non-geeks, falls back on the age old wisdom that men and women live on completely different planets, and seldom visit each other on equal terms. We’ve seen this formula in many popular American sitcoms in dramatically different contexts (Everybody Loves RaymondHome ImprovementModern Family). Though the formula is generally for a bumbling husband and an intelligent wife, obviously the “nerdcore” version calls for a technically inept but socially proficient female and technically proficient but socially inept male (or males.)

Or you could go the British/It Crowd approach and recognize that men and women are essentially people, recognize that your concept has some sexist overtones, be self-conscious about it, and just keep that in mind while writing great comedy that doesn’t require its audiences to leave their brains at the door.

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Concessions

Something I’ve had on my mind: if President Obama loses his reelection bid, I don’t want to see a traditional concession speech. I don’t want all the deference and “the people have chosen” and all that. I want something entirely different. I want someone to tell the truth.

You people are fucking idiots.

This myth that the American electorate is some sort of sacred anointer of great men (women need not apply) needs to die, and it needs to die loudly. The American electorate is composed of a bunch of uneducated morons who vote based on personal prejudices and more based on disinformation than information. And if that circus of morons chooses someone like Mitt Romney over someone like President Obama, someone needs to say something mean.

Wake the fuck up, America. Rarely has the contrast been this stark. One of them wants to make health care accessible to everyone, the other wants to let people die because they’re too poor. One of them wants to legalize same-sex marriage, the other wants to make any form of legal recognition illegal. One of them sees an America that’s greater than the sum of her parts, the other doesn’t like to be reminded that some of those parts aren’t straight and white.

This election is going to get ugly. And a lot of people who vote against the President are going to do so because they think he’s a Muslim (and because they think that matters), or from Kenya, or some other patently false bullshit, rather than because of genuine policy disagreement. A lot of people are going to vote against him because he’s a “socialist” (I am; he’s not), and because their McCarthy rubber stamped schools taught them “socialism doesn’t work” (ignore the fact that it’s working in other countries.)

This is not a sacred process. This is not some beautiful, stirring testament to the dignity of American democracy. We deserve better than this. We deserve two excellent candidates with a genuine commitment to every citizen of this country, regardless of their color, creed, sexual orientation, etc. Until something dramatic changes, we’re not going to have that. And you know what? That’s not okay. I don’t have any particularly strong love for the Democratic Party, but when you give me a choice between being punched in the face and jumping off a bridge, I’m going to take one on the jaw. And you should, too.

Or, you know, we could blow the whole thing up and start over. That would be nice.

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